How to Train Your Human

As a former stray and single mother dog, I'm not picky about food. Tonight, I wanted to feed my humans. We found a cookbook in the neighborhood lending library on a quiet back street. I looked through it for inspiration. These all sound good! I may have snoozed for the rest of the day and then quickly whipped up some macaroni and cheese  (nondairy) at the last minute. They were happy to eat a warm dinner with no fur!

Soooo this weekend was kind of rough. My tummy was gurgling, and I had to run outside every couple hours all night long where my bum exploded. My intestines started to calm down with a scrumptious bland diet and some medicine, but I was still room clearingly (words had to be invented) gassy and ready to snuggle. Come closer... gurgle Just as it seemed like I was recovering, I vomited up grass and enough fabric to send me to surgery on my mom's pillow at bedtime. My brother Nacho is usually our inanimate object swallower, not me. Sometimes old dogs do learn new tricks! I taught you well, grasshopper      

Something new appeared on the table/ottoman in my living room. My humans poured over it for days while spooning me. I'm sure cuddling me was their first priority. Alas, when their puzzle was done, there were two duplicate pieces and one missing! Doggie buffet Soon, some more pieces had to be rescued from the vacuum. THEN I performed an interpretive dance on the puzzle and it was again rebuilt, missing a second piece. Where could it be? I'm digesting your puzzle...you're welcome #PuzzlePieces #DogsMakeYouLiveLonger

I christened the old duvet with enough muddy paw prints and who knows what else that I got a new, shiny one! I helped make the bed as usual by hopping on and laying down halfway through the process. Life is good my friends. #SoftPuppy #WarmPuppy #LittleBallOfFur

A black bear daintily accepted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from a long pronged fork my human held out. Delilah the black bear ate her fill, then politely turned away from the offer of more food. Liberty and Maddie ate several sandwiches. Meatball  eventually emerged from his cave to get a drink and scratch his back.    Tuffy the serval hungrily ate chunks of meat, while Mia the bobcat preferred to be coaxed to eat. She occasionally swatted at Tuffy to keep him in line. Natasha the tiger made happy eating noises.  Nom nom nom Lions Tigers & Bears  is an accredited sanctuary that rescues exotic animals. They're amazing. You should visit them and help them in any way you can. #LionsTigersBears #LionsTigersAndBears

Does Kensington Vine  welcome fur kids? San Diego  recently made it legal for us to be on restaurant patios, so it was worth a try. The tiny dog door onto the patio was a good sign. I approve Our server was very attentive toward me. He complimented my tail and big eyes. Some potato chips landed on the ground and I helpfully cleaned them up for him. My people drank delicious Riesling and happily ate bruschetta. I snoozed on my mom's lap. Do big dogs use the human door? Evenings out with your pooch are more fun.   #KensingtonVine #DogFriendly #BringFido 

This morning was glorious.  I ate breakfast in the sunshine and went back to bed with my human. My belly is so happy After she got up, I began to ooze... How can this be comfortable, you ask? Usually I defy gravity. Catch me if you can! Luckily the floor is covered in squishy dog beds. #DefyingGravity #CatchMeIfYouCan

All of a sudden, the delicious melody and smell of the air popper came from the kitchen! What's this? I jumped off the bed and tore after the aroma, but I was too late. The bowl of fresh amazingness had made its way back to my boudoir while I frantically searched the kitchen. I licked the ground just in case a tasty remnant was waiting for me. There's white things in the air In exchange for a cute pose, I got some popcorn.  Joy! #DogsLovePopcorn #NightmareBeforePopcorn #Pupcorn

My humans are home!  My humans are home!   Exercise, discipline...cuddles! I sent them to Seattle to see good friends, and selflessly went to stay with my uncle. They missed me terribly, especially at a  museum containing expensive art made of glass. Did Chihuly have helpful pets? They went to the Children's Museum  and the Pacific Science Center .  There were dinosaurs, sharks, bugs under rocks, a tidepool, and an adorable toddler carrying a plastic otoscope from room to room. Real butterflies flew around them and they helped build a pinball machine (below is a video that won't play on mobile devices). They ate vegan pizza and curry popcorn while watching The Jerk  in the theater ! They came back full of amazing food from the  Seattle Center Armory ,  Rom Mai Thai , and  The 5 Point Cafe .       Get in my belly I'll accompany them on their next trip if Seattle promises not to rain. #M...