How to Train Your Human

Get in the car, Vegas beckons. As the bright lights shone through our windows, I woke from my nap with my Elvis curl lip. My east coast uncle and grandpa met us at the  Flamingo !  Mo money! I hear barking! Yes, there were Chilean Flamingos... and macaws, cockatiels, pochards, red-eared sliders, and a pelican. Lots of people petted me and said they missed their four-legged kids. That was a long drive We visited  Pet Kingdom USA  and the house cat stalked me in my rolling carrier. We glanced longingly at the ferrets, bearded dragons, and the marmoset and then respected their feline security's wishes and made our getaway.  My decorating tip for  Turquoise Animal Hospital The  Venetian  does Alice in Wonderland This is my vote for the 'Pet Relief Area' Highlights of our trip included almost eating a chicken bone in Barstow, sneaking my chew onto the hotel bed, pepperoni, and ice cubes from the Mad Greek Cafe . ...

I walked into the party and was greeted by old and new friends. We sniffed bums and promptly cleaned up any food dropped by our humans. You're welcome. The humans played fruit ninja, and I had watermelon for the first time.  Gallagher style I tasted crumbs from tortilla chips, attempted to lick marshmallow roasting forks, and tried to steal candy when the pinata finally burst. A little girl liked my sparkly rainbow leash and took me for a walk in the fenced backyard. She didn't want to give me back. I chaperoned my people all night and even escorted them to the facilities. I recommend urinating on the lawn My humans made sure I got along with the other pups, kept me away from the bonfire, and ensured I didn't go on the lam when new revellers opened the front door. We have each others' backs. 

We're out of raw hides! My human has requested that I learn to text and send her reminders at work. I was going to, but then... Feels so good Chews or sunshine? Life is full of difficult decisions.

Dear dogs, training your humans is fun and easy. You can do it in your spare time. We pooches know that carrying our own leash is a sign of dominance, but our people find this endearing. Being born with eyeliner helps At bedtime, I recommend playing asleep. When they call you, pretend you don't hear them or don't understand. If you do this long enough, and you're small, you can train them to carry you outside for your final bathroom break and tuck you in.  Too tired to listen <wink> If you're too big to be carried (according to your bipeds), all is not lost. I know some really large canines that have charmed their way into bed with their peeps! Persistence pays off. We have more time on our paws than they do, and we're adorable. Most of us are furry. Never give up, and you too can convince them to take better care of you than they do themselves. Don't worry, we lower their blood pressure and help them live longer.  It's win win! ...

My grandparents live in doggie wonderland. There are little animals, they built a pond and a stream, and we're allowed to swim in the pool (which we loathe...but other dogs get in on purpose). Onward! I leaped from the car and proceeded to smell everything that had happened in their rural yard since my last visit. My humans stayed very close to me because I may have jumped the fence here previously <innocent look>. Yay strange dog bed! Inside the house there were dog beds galore, and today the house was divided into big and little dog areas. I ran between the big dogs bouncing off their legs like a pinball.  Food that isn't mine is beyond this baby gate We usually go on a forced march (dubbed by cousin Tristan) after eating, but it was ninety-five degrees! We brought my granddad a birthday gift certificate and a we're- sorry-you-can-no-longer-eat-dairy care package (vegan mac and cheese, dairy free chocolate syrup, rice whipped cream, soy ice...

I was voluntarily frolicking in a swimming pool with my humans. I would run around the patio and then LEAP into the floating toys, causing them to laugh gleefully while avoiding my stabby paws. Sea of blankets Ahem. Water burns. Doesn't my human have some wild dreams?

I'm famous again! I'm famous again! My grandma had the muralist  who did our runs paint our portrait (along with our uncle Rio and several pet sitting pups). How much is that doggie in the painting? I feel so fancy. First I was in a tree painted in the Dog Park themed suite, and now I'm on canvas! If my street dog friends could see me now. 

The awesome guys at  Stucco Masters  were kind enough to pour their excess rapid setting mortar into the potholes in our treacherous alley. One of my moms could get her car out without a struggle! This inspired a trip to one of their favorite places, the Home Depot . I approve, as this place is pet friendly! Ron Swanson  would approve A very helpful fellow named Tom helped us find things, while telling us about his dogs Daisy and Marley. We went home and filled in more potholes. The mortar was setting while we mixed it! That stuff is the greatest thing since belly rubs! 

Imagine being enfolded by the warmest, softest blanket on top of a comfy couch. You're surrounded by those who care for you and snuggled lovingly. Then try to motivate to do something! So many naps so little time See my dilemma? I christen this new throw... the Blanket of Doom! It erases your plans and convinces you to nap instead. Would that we could all live the life of a beloved pet!