How to Train Your Human

We have to brag about our human a little. She remembers to feed us, saves lots of animals, and usually has lots of common sense. When she’s well fed. We learned tonight that when her blood sugar is low, she does not make wise choices (this paragraph refusing to 'justify' was not one of them). We ran out to the car, zig-zagging on our leashes. For some reason one of the tires looked like a melted puddle. Our human shrugged and tried to beg an auto shop that was closing up to sell her a spare tire, but they didn’t have the right size. Next she watched the video on how to plug and re-inflate the tire. It looked really easy, although we still question why Toyota ever did away with spare tires. Not smart, guys. She hooked up the apparatus, started the car, and things seemed ok. Then the tubing that dispensed the glue and air to plug and re-inflate the tire started bubbling glue. She turned it off and double checked the connection. It was definitely leaking from where it shouldn’t...

On Friday, Mona the tripawd threw up a palm seed the width of her small intestine. We all breathed a sigh of relief. Her amazing puking ability saved her again. Seeds are delicious. Just try to stop me. On Monday, Mona threw up a second palm seed.  On Thursday, Mona threw up foam a couple times on her walk. We rushed her in and induced vomiting. She resisted at first, but then threw up a third palm seed! On Friday, she tried to eat more palm seeds on her walk. Her human shrieked and dragged her away. Then Mona sneaked into Corina's bag at work and ate her breakfast. Mona enjoyed Corina's toast with butter and jam and was not sorry at all.  

We trotted along with our human enjoying the sunshine and answering lots of 'pee-mail' (re-marking areas other dogs had recently peed). She put a white envelope in a big blue box and then jumped. Her ballot was wedged between the blue mailbox flap and some metal crimping inside the box! Would the mail carrier free it when the mail was picked up in an hour and a half?  Can dogs vote?  After mail pickup, we peaked through the mailbox flap opening. The ballot was still there! My human tried to dislodge it through the narrow opening with a stick, but could only move it back and forth, not down.  During our next attempt, this time with a cat dancer wand, an SUV made a U-turn and drove by the box rather slowly. Would we be Nextdoor'd as mail thieves?  Happily, the ballot was dislodged. We never did check whether we had been identified as imaginary blue box bandits. 

"Is Maya missing?" Claire, Sky Blue the Aussie's human asked over the Ring camera speaker. Looking down at Maya, glued to her calf, Melissa said "No, she's right here." Suddenly remembering that the neighbor's pest control company had accidentally come to our house instead, our human ran out to the backyard. The side gate was open!  The next morning on our walk, we got the lowdown.   Who, me? "You were right! After you left, I found an open side gate! The wrong pest control company sprayed our backyard yesterday." Melissa reported to Claire.  "Georgia found her, and she wouldn't go home, but followed her to my house! We couldn't catch her." My human was flabbergasted. Maya had gotten out before, but would usually sit at our front door losing her mind until she was let back in. She had gone all the way to the cul-de-sac a block away! "Thank you so much for helping Maya get home safe!" my human called out when we ran i...

As we were finishing helping a little baby skunk, the scent of onion napalm filled the hospital. We cleaned his skunked-on adorable tummy, changed our scrubs, and tried to contain the Bog of Eternal Stench in one room. I eat pests, you're welcome The rest of the day clients made weed jokes, and we tried to air everything out / burn scented candles / spray Lysol. We imagined whose spouses would make them sleep on the couch (hint: mine had trouble falling asleep but didn't 86 me). The next morning, still smelling like skunk after changing my backup scrubs and bathing, it was time to get serious. Mixing up 1/4 cup baking soda, 2 tablespoons dishwashing soap, and a quart hydrogen peroxide, I washed my hair with dog deskunking solution. It worked! I hope... let me know...

Jasper's 4-year-old face lit up when we passed the throw the ping pong ball into the tiny fish tank openings game with live goldfish as prizes. I won my first goldfish at my elementary school Halloween carnival, and my parents were stuck buying it an aquarium.  Poor saps.   We explained to him that the games were very hard to win, because the booth owners had bills to pay too, and they couldn't make a living if everyone who played won. We really didn't want a fish, but he had been asking for one for months, and the odds seemed ever in our favor.  The entire basket of balls predictably bounced off the empty fish tank goals. There were tears, and the sweet carni gave him extra balls. After these careened away from their mark, Jasper sobbed even harder.   At this point, the poor man handed him a fish in a tiny plastic tank anyway. Jasper immediately dropped it on the ground.  We grabbed it, saving half the water and the poor feeder fish. We said our than...

"Should I run back inside for your water?" I naively asked my almost 4-year-old human while leaving the house.  "No," Jasper answered (lied? said truthfully but soon forgot?).  A happier car ride with room temperature water 5 minutes later, he shrieked, "Mommy! I'm thirsty!"  I handed him my ice water and he predictably exclaimed, "It's too cold!" Hanging out my car door at the drive through throwing the ice into the planter, cold water sloshed into my lap and into my phone case. I tried not to scream in surprise into the ear of the poor person trying to take our order.  I grabbed a towel and drove to the window, but couldn't get the app to open because the phone was wet. Dismantling the phone case and drying the phone, I finally paid for our food.  My pups batted their low maintenance eyelashes sympathetically.  I'll drink from a puddle

We parked near the trailhead, and docile bees immediately swarmed our tailpipe. Turning off the car didn't dissuade them, so we shooed them out of the car (we hoped) and tried to convince the dogs they should not eat the flying jalapeno raisins.  We shimmied down the wash into the slot canyon. Is Maya part gazelle?  Jasper (3 1/2 years) was delighted by the many toddler-size caves, and happily looked for bears.  Cypress (8 months) babbled at the siltstone that ranged from gorgeous wind and water-formed passages to a boulder suspended Indiana Jones -style above our heads.  The scene I picture while trying to transfer this sleeping baby into his crib Back at the car, the bees continued their love affair with our exhaust pipe. Several of them tried to hitchhike back with us, but obligingly flew back out as the dogs playfully tried to eat them. Why o why didn't we bring Benadryl? Everywhere? Always?* *no one was stung during this adventure...it was a small children and f...

"There seems to be an extra...opening... on my dog's butt," reported the concerned pet parent. A happier day...Fiesta Island! Sure enough, there was! Eleanor Puppington's anal gland was ominously red and swollen.  She had been scooting and licking, and her human was very worried. As we sedated her and flushed out the contents of the abscess, putrid material shot out several feet, almost landing on someone walking by. Is this what the Bog of Eternal Stench smelled like?  We filled the offending gland with soothing medication and woke up her royal pupness. She gave the opening one last relieved lick, and snuggled up to head home.  #turquoiseanimalhospital #tah #pets #iloveveterinarymedicine

As we sat in the car waiting for our toddler's zillionth Covid test, his eyes fluttered closed. Should we drive around and come back later? Would they do a test on a sleeping kiddo? Would he stay asleep? pretend this picture is of a sleeping three-nager... Watching people in PPE dart between the other parked cars, we realized there would be a wait. This was good. Would it be long enough for a nap? Eventually a kind gentleman in a gown, face mask, and face shield approached us. We explained the situation and he said he swabbed a sleeping baby today and they didn't even wake up. It was worth a try! After the first nostril, Jasper's hands flew up around his face and he rubbed his nose, but he didn't open his eyes. Halfway there! He slept through the second nostril as well! O happy day.  envision me sleeping in the car... We drove home, stopping to grab the mail. My human deliberately didn't close the car door all the way in case the sound woke Jasper up, but the car di...

Mona pranced past the pile of saucy rib bones on the ground outside the supermarket, pausing to try and grab one. We hurried on our walk, wondering who was faster. Would she would need x-rays? Surgery?  They look so innocent when they're asleep On our way back past the scene of the alleged bone devouring, we were comforted by the many rib bones still laying there. My human happily forgot the danger, and went back to work. What do we have here? Five minutes to closing, Mona's muscles clenched. She started salivating. Then the retching began. As quickly as it disappeared, a rib bone hurtled out of her mouth.  You going to eat that? Shocked, we put the bone in a bag of water and put it on the x-ray table with Mona. The rib showed up distinctly, and no more surprises showed up on the radiographs of her cute little body! The moral of the story? Any time we think she may need one, just take the x-ray. Mona's mouth would rival Superman for speed.    Title: quote by Nora Rob...

Screams erupted from down the hall. My Mom rushed out of the bedroom where my grandparents were staying holding one of our missing childhood garter snakes. She didn't answer my grandma when she asked if there were any more loose snakes in the house. "I'm not lying to your mother," she whispered to my dad.  Cuddles with Mustard the albino Burmese python He reassured my grandmother that the other snake was a few doors down, their usual location when they would visit. We hadn't meant for them both to escape right before their stay!  A couple days later, our other snake slithered out between the cereal boxes. Relieved not to be caught in another lie, we ran our missing pet down to the neighbor's!

Seven paws danced around the steaming, delectable travel mug of coffee. The melee intensified when the harnesses came out. Would the sacred beverage survive? Did we really really need a table by the front door?  I hope we're having a puppy... Welcome to...the Coffee Game Show! How do you keep score, you ask?  Instant WIN if you get out out of house and into the car without spilling Minus points for partial spills, including if you pour it out yourself when putting the coffee and the dogs in the car (hint: put the coffee down first...it's too easy to forget about gravity early in the morning) Whammy if a leash freakishly wraps around the coffee cup and knocks if all over, or if your coffee is forgotten at home Bending down to leash up the pups, my brew and their frenzied paws were at eye level.  Mona the tripawd almost stepped on the drink, nestled in the corner. Darting away from her own lead touching her, shy Maya nearly knocked it over. Scooping up leash handles, car ke...

The kitten shook and twitched as we talked to her worried human. Was she poisoned? Did she have a serious birth defect? A liver shunt? Low thyroid? An infection?  Chorizo modeling safe, modern flea control for cats We talked about where to start with testing, but first, was there any over-the-counter, non-veterinary obtained flea control applied? Some canine flea control had been used on the kitten the day before the seizure-like episodes started!  Voltaire happy he wasn't in the tub Gratefully, we bathed the kitten in Dawn dish soap and gave her medication to quiet her nervous system. Fluids helped her liver finish breaking down the toxin and flush it out. Her cute little body calmed down, and she returned home to her relieved family. 

Barry White wasn't his tiny happy-go-lucky self. He was lethargic and vomiting, and his human was worried. We sprang soulfully into action, checking his blood work and giving him fluids to rehydrate him. And then, he tested positive for the lowest diagnosis on our list! We started life-saving antibiotics, decorated his kennel with WARNING: ZOONOTIC signs, and warned his human to take precautions to avoid infection too such as wearing goggles and gloves if she needed to clean up his urine.  I promise not to drink your urine, Maya... We asked Barry White where he picked up the leptospire bacteria, but he just licked our noses with thanks. Barry White may have been infected through a cut or irritated skin by contaminated water or soil or urine, or by eating infected tissue (difficult to resist with a magical dog nose). Leptospirosis can be more widespread after it's rained and lives in the soil and environmental water.   Do you promise not to eat dead things? No? Perhaps we ...

"Is Bacchus inside?" As the coyotes yipped and hunted nearby, our humans scrambled to make sure we were safe. It sounded like rain, but dread crept over my person as she found Mr Bacchus laying on his side in the dark backyard. Had he been attacked?  Realizing the sound was him struggling to breath against the t hick plastic cracker box liner stuck on his head , she tore it off and he fought to get up. His neck was thick with ropey saliva and he had pooped his pants.    Much better! "You literally saved Mr Bacchus' life by asking where he was," she said when they got inside. We snuggled him and told him how grateful we were that he was still with us. He basked in our worship, gulped water, and then snored loudly at the foot of the bed. We love you, Mr B, international dog of mystery! 

We rushed to help Chance's concerned humans as they struggled to move him with a sling under his hind end. They explained that he suddenly couldn't get up or walk, and they couldn't afford an MRI. Was there anything that could be done to help him walk again? We brought in our therapy laser (photobiomodulation) to send regenerative light energy to his damaged tissues to decrease pain and inflammation. Chance's tight muscles relaxed under the warmth of the laser as it created new blood supply to speed healing. It would take many sessions to discover how much mobility he could regain, and if it would be enough for the big guy to get around independently!  Slowly but surely, Chance's hind legs started supporting him again. He staggered around drunkenly, as if he'd been hanging out with those wild dogs on the corner his humans told him to stay away from, but he could get out to the bathroom again on his own!  We're so grateful for his re...

Java stood with her tail tucked and belly tense. Her human told us she had run around at the dog park, and now was reluctant to jump up on the bed and couch, two of her favorite places. Her delicate little face asked for help.  We'll help you! After using a cold therapy laser on her tense muscles, she began to visibly relax. She happily swallowed her anti-inflammatory, and enthusiastically chomped some CBD on a treat.  Java wagged her tail for us and headed home to relax and heal. 

The phone rang at Turquoise Animal Hospital. A sweet calico cat who had been peeing outside her litter box was in our parking lot! A friendly veterinary technician collected her, staying six feet from her human to limit the spread of Coronavirus. Stunt cat photo Once inside the hospital, the veterinarian and cat's human chatted on the phone. Was this a urinary tract infection? A bladder stone? An inflamed urinary bladder? They decided to start with a urinalysis. which came back full of bacteria and white blood cells.  After a long acting antibiotic shot, she felt much better! This cape is surprisingly silky...I will let you live, for now... Thank you to everyone helping to keep us healthy and yourselves healthy by adapting to social distancing! Stay safe and wash your hands! 

Bella Boo Butt slowly and painfully sat on her cushion while Dr Chu gently examined her, found her sore and chi deficient areas, and then came to her rescue with electroacupuncture! This feels nice, woof! Bella stood patiently while tiny needles were placed on top of her head, down her achy spine, her legs, and arthritic hips. Tiny jumper cable-like clips were gingerly attached to the acupuncture needles, and a therapeutic current was slowly increased. The second Bella seemed restless, the current was decreased for her comfort. Unblock my chi, please After her session, once the needles were gently removed, Bella strutted her stuff and wagged her nub tail happily!